Boom. The day begins at 11 with a rehearsed retrieval of magnesium supplements and paracetamol. A good night of sleep it was not - there are no breakfasts of champions for those who have yet again chosen to stomach a bowling ball-for-head Saturday.
Sign one: Perceived location in space now exhibits signs of hysteresis.
Sign two: There are blanks to fill, stopping dead in its tracks the usual compulsion to check one’s phone immediately after waking up.
Sign three: Everything hurts.
Hours pass. Pain subsides, regret lingers.
There’s a good reason why I don’t normally do this.
One impulsive decision later, I’m sitting on my go-to park bench, more or less letting the universe around me just happen. By no means feeling content, yet still feeling momentarily liberated from the usual mix of things I had never been able to fully articulate.
People pass me by. About half the time, looks are exchanged and forgotten about five seconds later. As they should be.
With flee, I notice that it’s getting colder. This, too, works.
Stop, look, listen.
Current projects: replacing bad habits with good ones, coming face to face with discomfort.
Lemon balm tea now supplements daily soul displacements (‘It’s just medicine!’) - hey, there are worse things to catch than a case of being basic.
Still hurt and frustrated, I march on. Given the circumstances, I feel the way I’m supposed to, and that’s good enough for me. If anything, parts of the equation are now solved. Actively caring, consciously picking my battles, counting small wins. A path is a path is a path.
Did you know you can just go see a movie by yourself, for yourself?
Books are fun too, though.
On my way to therapy, an unexpected tram diversion takes me through parts of the city I have not visited in the time I’d lived here. Something indistinguishable from magic comes over me and I almost start tearing up right there and there.
I return later that week, this time on foot, naturally armed with a camera.
Taking a longer break between sessions now. Weaning myself off self-imposed labels.
Unashamedly acknowledging: Sure, it gets lonely. Consistently, but sometimes less so also - keeping my brain active (even if that means typing up drivel) helps.
Picking up social cues left and right, learning to navigate conversation. On occasion less nervous than before.
Perhaps trying to suddenly manifest an identity has a chance of coming off as desperate, but it is what it is. I no longer want to seek isolation.
Prioritisation - that’s what it’s all about. I think I’d rather spend my free time focusing on the positive feedback loop that comes from the learning process (at work, too!), rather than dive deep back into chipping away at massive projects that more often than not end in disappointment. It’s healthy to take a step back from overwhelm and re-evaluate what you’re actually ready for, I’d say. Balance, balance, balance!
Surprisingly enough, actually consciously taking things slow somehow results in me getting more things done. Ticking off boxes left and right, baby.
Easy on the pressure, as well as promises. That’s better than years of nothing.
Hey, here’s something I’m proud of - I’ve done some work automatic the asset pipeline on this website. A large portion of the media content is now generated automatically on demand in an iterative build fashion, courtesy of Ninja and some soon-to-be-replaced ancient Bash-fu (my sense of pride doesn’t touch this one).
All things considered, it’s nice to see something work beautifully, even if it’s simple.
Magical thinking leads me to believe there’s a possibility of me being able to actually jinx things, so I’m stopping right here.
Think I should pick up the piano again?