memdump #09: let. | odditica

memdump #09: let.

What I am now left with is the true state of my affairs.

Breathe in. Commence depressurisation.

Looked ahead - it seems as though I still have much hardship to go through before I get to where I want to be. That’s good. Keep busy. I’ll take this over the bottomless pit; this time I can actually feel something happening, moving someplace unknown. And it’s not that I don’t know if I have it in me to fight, but I do have a reason to try now.

Strangely enough, I do have my out-of-nowhere moments of what can almost be described as feeling content, almost accepting of the current shape my life-long thing has taken. I don’t like what I’m seeing, but at least I can see. There are no more questions to ask regarding its origin.

You can tell that the answers have been making their way through the system for a while now, which takes about as long as you can imagine. Tears – and this is especially important – come as a side-product of the process. Partially a courtesy of my first major heartbreak prompted by an event almost entirely dismissible in the grand scheme of things; haven’t been there before, as you know. I have now come to face-to-face with what it means to surrender yourself to the possibility of love. Old wounds exposed, frightfully unaware of what’s to come.

Right now, everything’s on high. A tad bit much. So, so scared. Don’t cower, roll with it at a reasonable tempo, or so everyone says. Emphasis on reasonable. This task is proving to be a complicated one - going easy on myself is a skill I am not remotely close to mastering. The prospect of waiting in face of constant mental anguish does not appeal to me in the slightest. One’s own journey and/or timeline. …thanks…

The tide is beginning to shift in my relationship with displays of vulnerability, public or private. The bad voice is gone, replaced with one that’s uncontrollably unbearably in touch with what’s real and what is not. But it is nice to me, and I’ll take that for what its worth. As a teenager, I used to pride myself in not believing in the supernatural, but in these moments where I desperately need something to grasp on, an inquisitive part of me does wonder.

I know it hurts. It’s supposed to.

That’s okay. This thing isn’t perfect.

It never was, nor was it ever meant to be. It’s just me and my poor little heart which is now learning to get involved again. Hopefully now a bit less of a narcissist. Screw spell-checking, this is my therapy. Alt phase at age 26. You’re gonna live with the shitty commas. That is what we do here - we say things because we need to say them. Stop wincing and let it in. Jealous-inspired of/by everyone and everything. A mix of feelings now attached to a human; everything in its right place. Love through pain.

If you get weird looks at work sometimes, you’re doing something right.

I do not feel whole, but this is the most alive I have ever felt.